Published On: 03-26-2007 04:57 AM
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Hard to share


My testimony is very personal. I really don't like to share it
because of the context. I have never had anyone actually email me a
negative response. I know that GOD has His hands on me. I actually
DIDN’T want to have this out where ANYONE could see it... But God told
me to have here so anyone can read it. It might actually change
someone’s life.


I was in a relationship when I was with a boy from high school. We
were together for 2 years and living with each other. I had a part time
job, barely surviving. I was so depress. I had never felt so sad and
lonely in my life then I did at that moment.


The reason I
lived with him was because I got into a fight with my mom. We were in
the process of building a house and had to live in a 2 room apartment
in the transition. I grew up in a huge home with my own bathroom. The
tiny apartment was a change, and hard to get use too. I had to share
one bedroom with my sister and brother that were in high school. I can
say we use to step on each other's toes. We were all stressed out and
had no alone time. We were around each other every day.


Everyone was so stressed and at wits end. My parents were building
there own dream home, and would spend 12 hours at the site. My sister
was in her teens and trying to find herself. My brother had to live in
the bathroom. Yes - bathroom. My parents some how converted the extra
bathroom into a small dorm room.


I was fighting a lot with my parents. I would actually become
psychical with my fights. I hated myself then. I was currently
attending college, but my heart wasn't into it. I worked part time at
Pier One. I actually loved my job. Other then that, I felt hallow. One
day, my mom and I got into a major fight. It ended very badly. I ended
up packing up all my belongings (not much) and left for my boyfriend’s
house.


He lived in a trailer with his mom. The living situation was the
furthest from a Christian Home. I think God was really testing me. I
use to hang out at a liquor store and drink and smoke. Needless to say,
our relationship was not solid. We fought and it ended up becoming
abusive. But, I WAS the one fighting and hitting. I was so unhappy with
my life; I took it out on him. He was not to blame. He was actually a
decent guy.


He had a child from a previous relationship. So, he had that to
deal with. One day I found out I was pregnant. So, here I was a lost
soul, no backbone in anything. Depressed - spend my days in bed
wondering if this is my life - and found out I was going to be a
mother. I still haven’t had any communication with my family. I close
to his sister, but she wasn’t the best role model for my fragile state.
I had no one to turn to besides my boyfriend.


I told my boyfriend. He was not excited to say the least. He all
ready had a kid, and really couldn't support another. I couldn’t see
myself being a mom. I couldn’t hardly keep my life straight, let along
have another responsibility to a person. So, we ended up flipping
through a phone book. I was numb to the fact that I was choosing this
option. But, at the time, it was the answer.


I ended up killing my baby.


After this, my bf and I moved into an apartment. Living like
everything was okay. But, inside I was messed up as ever. I was
cheating on my boyfriend trying to find comfort. I wanted to get drunk
all the time. Now, I know I was dealing with the most devastating time
in my life.


One day, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. I ended up taking a
golf club, and smashed the TV in. He ended up calling the cops, and he
and his sister physically threw me out of my apartment. I ended up on
the door step of the only place I could turn. My best friend I had
since high school. She took me in her house, and she was a newly wed.
Her relationship with her husband at the time was also fragile. I felt
like an intruder and that they didn’t deserve to take care of me. But,
she took me and tried to comfort my battered heart and soul.


I was at the bottom. I didn't want to call my parents and my
boyfriend cut me off. The last time I heard from him, he was crying. He
didn't understand what happened to me. This is the next day after the
incident. That is the last time I heard from him.


I ended having my mom come and go to the apartment to get my stuff.
There has never been such a horrible moment in my life then leaving my
engagement ring on the counter. He was working that day, and his sister
was there. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at her. My life was
ending.


I moved back to my parents, determine to pull my life together. I
felt such a change that was going to happen in my life, and I didn’t
know what it was at that time. I put all my energy to start over.


Several months later, the LORD sent someone in my life that forever changed it. And, that person is, my husband.


He was a Christian.


One night, he brought me to a church play .The play was called
Heaven’s Gates and Hell’s Flames. Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames is
a full-length theatrical production about Heaven and Hell. It follows a
number of people, in different walks of life who die and must stand
before the angel with the book of life. Some go into heaven and some go
into hell.


Well, one of the situtions was this..


There was a girl that found out she was pregnant. She had to make the decision to keep it, or the “other.”


She choose to other.


The next day she died..


She went to HELL. The demons came out from the dark and dragged her down into the screaming pits of hell.


Then, Jesus appeared in Heaven, holding the beautiful baby.


My heart sank and I was crying so hard.


This was me. I did this.


But, the Holy Spirit comforted me. He was surrounding me. At the
end of the play, they asked if anyone would like to surrender to
Christ. The point of the play was, it doesn't matter what you did in
the past. Even the most horrible sickening thing.


GOD STILLS LOVES YOU!! AND FORGIVES YOU!!


I went to the altar. I cried and worshipped. That day I accepted
JESUS CHRIST as my savior. HE forgave me. I knew my baby was with HIM.
And, HE loves me no matter what.


Since that day, I am forever thankful for JESUS. After I gave my
life to HIM, my husband and I married. I haven't fought with him.


I have a beautiful house.


My husband has a wonderful job.


I am healthy.


And most importantly, I have two beautiful children that I love more then life it self.


I am happier than I can ever be.


Still is, every day.


MY life is for HIM now.


Everything is HIS.





I know one day I will be reunited with my baby. God has given me by
baby back, ALL because I choose to love HIM and accepted HIM to be
first in my heart and life. Praise GOD!!